allmydreams's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- everyone you know, someday, will die music: nothing for once, but i'm about to play some bjork whilst trying to get my insomnia-plagued self to sleep...on second thought, i am now listening to "do you realize?" by the flaming lips, and it is frighteningly appropriate for the moment. it's almost 2:00 am and i can't remember if i've been up this late on a week night even once this semester. a lot of weird things have happened lately...and well, i don't exactly know how i should feel. first of all, things between matt and i are not grand. more on that later, perhaps. second of all, tonight i found out that my grandfather will die in less than 48 hours. he has liver and pancreatic cancer and somehow they didn't catch it until like, eight hours ago. he's been so out of it lately that i can't really say whether it's a good or bad thing. my grandmother is who i'm really worried about. you know when old people die and their husband/wife dies right afterwards? that always seems to happen when people are really old. it seems like the best way, too...but i don't want my grandmother to die. i have dreams about both of them dying kind of often, so any sort of real-life manifestation would be quite troublesome, to say the least. and i feel cheated that i couldn't say goodbye. every time i've come home to visit and then left to come back here, i couldn't help thinking it would be the last time i saw them. not to mention i didn't even say goodbye when i left in january--and i don't think i'll be able to go home for my grandfather's funeral. it's just such a fucking shock. i hope my mom is okay. i hope everyone is okay. i didn't expect it to happen this soon, or this suddenly. *** somehow i pulled things off today. i managed to (i think) do pretty well on my test that i didn't study for, and i got back my grade on my ethics presentation. i got an perfect score, even though it really blew. whatever. teachers can keep giving me A's if they want to. well, damnit, actually they have to. however, typing/printing my ethics homework provided me with loads of frustration...and yet, like everything always does, it worked out. AND another guy from that class asked me on a date. weird. and jared, the supposedly un-gay guy from my aesthetics class, tracked me down on the internet :) accidently, of course hehe. it's funny that things have been quite miserable lately, but at the same time i feel kind of...new. i think, for once, i can fix things--i'm going to finally start working on those new year's non-resolutions. babbling, babbling. i ran into a lot of people today....jacob, jason, etc. i like seeing people on campus. plus, i watched michael jackson and joe millionaire on tv tonight. berkeley made fun of me for being all curled up in five million blankets and looking like i should still have a bedtime. but i guess that's what being me is all about. yeah. oh, i dyed my hair this weekend. i don't like it that much...i wanted it to be darker. hmmm. i still have a track mark-looking thing on my arm from donating blood last week. someone please remind me not to do that again until i have a (at least sort of) meat-saturated diet. my iron count is just too low, and like the last time i did it, i felt more than just a bit woozy. in other news, i am so so so so so so so so happy that raf is coming to visit next month...that pretty much made my day, even though shitty stuff hadn't happened yet. i hope he feels better soon, too. i also hope we don't get blown up. i'm glad everyone was safe this past weekend. it sucks that i mean safe from like, bioterrorism, and not drinking or something. i, myself, attended a frat party last weekend. that was really weird. laura and i were like only people not dressed as playboy bunnies. i saw a lot of girls i know and i felt sorry for them. people are dumb sometimes. well, i guess i'm one of them. argh. 1:59 am - 2003-02-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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