allmydreams's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- dear diary, what is wrong with me? today, while flipping through one of my notebooks, i found something i wrote almost exactly a month ago. i never actually recorded it into my diary, so since i'm on some kind of diary-writing binge, i guess i'll do that now. it's funny how so much has changed. i obviously wrote it in a moment of severe displeasure...but still, i'm happy to report that i've overcome whatever was hurting me at the time. so here it goes: "i can't believe it's been a month already--a whole month and it still doesn't feel like home. how long does it take? and how much harder would it be if i didn't already know anyone here? at night i lay in bed, unable to sleep because my head is heavy with memories and wistful thoughts of home. and then i finally collapse into the world of sleep--the only time i'm at peace these days. in the morning, an alarm clock jolts me into reality, as i wake up in a stranger's bed. but this bed is my own bed. have i become foreign to my own world? perhaps. what a different lifestyle. intimate coffee shop conversations have been replaced with too much partying and too many anonymous faces. it's a cheapened, dumbed down version of friends and academics--and it leaves a bad taste in my mouth and an empty feeling in my stomach. what is it like for everyone else? easier, i would imagine. i'm sure not everyone here is so "blessed" with a slight case of social anxiety and/or high academic standards. of course, the constant verbal abuse from raf and co. is nothing short of counterproductive to my mental well-being. hopefully the talk we had tonight will help things. no one understands. i'm just not used to this. summer made me a vanity case--it's pretty easy to do when every guy you choose to surround yourself with gives you positive reinforcement. but in college it's different. here i fall into one of three categories: a "little sister", invisible, or a pair of tits. the sad thing is that sometimes i'd rather be an object than nothing at all. i feel like i did in middle school--the demise of my self-esteem--when i would religiously take quizzes from "seventeen" entitled, "are you cute?" and, "are you girlfriend material?", etc.--only to pass each one with flying colors, yet still remain the inevitable magnet for taunting from the vast majority of my male peers. i want someone. and sometimes i think i can't even have anyone. i wonder every day--"why am i so damn codependent when all along i've prided myself on my independence?" i guess it was all a game in my mind. but it still leaves me asking, "what's wrong with me?" i want someone to hold hands with. i want someone to fall asleep with. i want someone to walk to class with. i want someone to make this place feel like home to me." don't worry, it was just a case of temporary insanity. 8:52 pm - 2001-10-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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