allmydreams's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- she says she's read too many fashion magazines leslie, thank you for writing what you wrote in response to my last entry. it almost made me cry, in a good way. but i don't think you really understood quite what i was getting at... perhaps i should further explain. when i was much younger i was kind of nerdy and fat, though in retrospect maybe still sort of cute. as i got older, boys started liking girls...but of course, they never liked me. because of this i made myself thinner through ways that need not be mentioned, and because my mother has always been so thin and told me i needed to be thin too. but losing weight didn't make me pretty, especially at my thinnest. i just looked weird and awkward while this time other girls were getting breasts and such...funny to think i once wished that mine would grow. but they did. and along with breasts there were other changes and suddenly i wasn't skinny anymore. but i didn't even really realize i had ever been thin at all until this point. it sucked. of course eventually i grew into my body, or got used to it anyway. the next year all of a sudden boys liked me and i had no clue what was going on. i'm sure some of you dear readers recall my infamy throughout those years...and you probably also recall that it wasn't pretty. i didn't know what i was doing, i was just happy to get the attention...because well, that's what i had wanted all along. but i grew out of that awhile ago...though it took many people much longer to accept. sometimes i miss being "contraversial" but most of the time i kind of like being fairly anonymous...especially since i've come out to boulder. my past is what i tell people, and if i don't think they deserve to hear it, then they don't have to know. but back to my original point. at this point in time, i can easily say that i'm happy with the way i look 95% of the time. i don't need external reinforcement as often because i'm just comfortable with myself. i don't want to look like the girls at tulagi. my point is, if that's what is sexy...then well, i don't really want to be sexy and i will probably never be sexy. i generally try to avoid anything that is covered in rhinestones or glitter, says "baby", or involves a miracle bra. same goes for wearing tube tops without coats in winter and spackling makeup onto my face. i guess guys like that...but i wouldn't want to hook up with someone who only finds me attractive while they are thoroughly sloshed and i'm half naked, heavy masked by cosmetics, and getting freaky under a blacklight to lyrics that mention the word "ho" at least 15 times per song. i dunno, call me crazy. but in reality, at least half of those "hotties" are not so hot by day. i'd rather be pale and have nice skin than be covered in clogged pore induced zits and tanned dark by the tanning bed. i want to be taken seriously, and i already sometimes feel like i'm not. but i feel like my body and my face compose the right sort of "case" for who i am. nothing else would fit quite right. on a different note: my journalism teacher is a perfect cross between adam ross and this guy scott from cafe coco, with just a dash of every character owen wilson has ever played... ps: happy bday liz...you are the champagne of my life and i want to get drunk :) 6:26 pm - 2002-01-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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