allmydreams's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i wish that we could always be this way my fair readers, please be warned about the self-absorbed, overly dramatic content of this entry before proceding any further. i just got home from hanging out with jason, though i can't say i was the best company. i'm in a slump today i suppose...which just happens to be a reoccuring theme this week. last night i went to sunset grille with my fam, and when i got home i just felt bad. i went into my closet looking for some item of clothing that might make me feel an ounce better, but i ended up just making myself feel ugly and fat. after going psycho and pouting for awhile, i started leafing though some books on my bookshelf in there. first i read a bit of this "getting to know your sun sign" book and was comforted a bit in the fact that i am a completely normal capricorn. then, however, i stumbled upon my 8th grade yearbook...and the next thing i knew i was sobbing because of the amount of friends i've lost touch with, the thing with liz...things were just so simple and innocent back then. everything seemed so new and depression was just something i thought was cool in that kurt cobain kind of way. i ended up going to cafe coco and reading....of course i eventually ran into justin, paul, glenn, ricky, and will...but it was nice, and i actually had a really fun time being retarded and such. yet today, perhaps because of my menstrual cycle and the cloudy weather, i'm right back to where i was in the closet last night. i've recently realized there are some things i need to deal with in my life. first, i have a lot of issues regarding my weight and my appearance...not to mention food in general. i project an image of self-confidence to most people most of the time, and because of this i generally feel like i have a healthy self-esteem. but i don't. i have a self-esteem built on the fact that i know guys like my tits, want to hook up with me, etc. i wish i had a self-esteem independent of all that. what am i going to do when i'm forty and i've had kids and my tits are sagging down to my waist and i've put on twenty lbs of post-baby weight and i have wrinkles and such? yesterday my mom said "the age you are right now is the prettiest you'll ever be. the bal d'hiver is just a night for you to look pretty, don't worry about anything else." this conversation was of course in an entirely different context...i was getting pissy because of how fucking lame the whole debutante thing is and how at the luncheon they were telling us diversity was important and such, but there we were, all white and rich...oh i could go on, but i won't. the point is, i guess i'm at my physical best right now, but i'm still quite unhappy with myself. i feel cheated that the only time in my life i was truly thin was a time when i was throwing up most of my food and had not yet had my period. i want thicker hair and more toned arms and a smaller waist and smaller boobs and all these things, and i'm starting to think it'll never get any better than this. but i can't just accept myself as this. and food. i'm deathly afraid of it. i still have the eating habits of someone with food issues. i go through cycles of binging and though not exactly purging, forced starvation instead. i feel extreme guilt in eating most things and have a lot of problems with eating certain things in front of other people. i'm fucked up. another thing i have to deal with is my feelings for jason, or "mr. awesome", as adam so lovingly calls him. well, he is mr. awesome...and that's a big problem. i had no clue that i would i end up liking him this much...and it's really come to bite me in the ass now that the realization that i'm leaving in a week and a half is settling in. he is...probably the only guy who has generally made my aforementioned issues temporarily disappear. when i'm with him i actually "forget" my psychosis and have a good time...and i know that even that probably isn't healthy. of course that's not the only reason i enjoy his company, but it's certainly a bonus factor. anyway, yeah...goddamnit, why can't i just have a generally good attitude about life and myself without any kind of external stimulation? the real problem, however, is that i fear that i'm going to feel quite horrible when i go back to boulder...because unfortunately (i suppose), i find that i like him to almost an embarrassing degree. he asked me today whether i will be happy or sad about meeting him and i said both, i guess. sometimes he says things and i know he's just joking but they embarrass me because they're really true for me. like, today he was kidding around and asked how i'm going to date guys in colorado now that he's raised the bar? well he really fucking has...i've thought about it too, and i just don't know. i just don't fucking know anything. maybe cosmo can give me the answers :) 6:37 pm - 2002-08-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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