allmydreams's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- there was a night i should have kissed you i feel....at peace. i am sitting here almost naked in front of my computer. for once, there is complete silence. it has been a rather trying day, but things are alright now. ok, so it's like 3:15 in the morning...and i guess i really am an insomniac. but at least this time i had a reason to stay up....my room is FINALLY totally clean again. i even changed my sheets and sanitized my bathroom with toxic chemicals. anyway. basically, after i last wrote, i went to the afterschool program and had an amazing time. i really love those kids already. they all have these wonderful eccentric names because i guess their parents are aging hippies...which explains why they're at a montessori school in the first place i suppose. after that i was supposed to go to an honor society meeting, but the sky was incredibly beautiful and i decided to drive around and listen to music instead. i'll make a long story short and just say this...i somehow hit a freaking guy on a bike. he was fine, and his bike was almost fine, but my car has a nice sized dent on the hood now. i was freaking out, but now i realize it's not even that bad...the paint didn't even get scratched. but back to the story. so i essentially had this huge breakdown after it happened....the tears just kept coming and coming, to the point that i wasn't even really crying about the car thing....but just crying, because i'm uptight and not in touch with my emotions and generally full of anxiety and such. i called matt right after it happened, and we hung out and i felt like a million times better. it's funny, i didn't even think about calling anyone else but him after it happened. i guess he is kind of becoming my best friend or something. i'm hesitant to use that term, because it's a fairly big deal to me...but my other "best friendships" seem to be falling apart as of late. liz and i are still not on speaking terms. i sent her an email after my last huge breakdown--after allison and i saw "me without you." she ends up being in my dreams like every night somehow. i really want to resolve things between us, but now she won't speak to me apparently. rip and i are still friends of course, but it's just not the same. i really think it's karma kicking me in the ass for being such a bad friend to him in high school, but it still sucks. he's either with gwen or doing homework or doing work with dalton, and i feel like the only time i see him is when we smoke a cigarette together or see eachother in our music class. i find that i don't really tell him much anymore, and well, i basically just can't count on him for much. i can't blame either of those situations completely on the people they involve, but at the same time i don't know how to fix them. time, i guess, is the best cure. but yeah...i really like hanging out with matt. i mean, i guess it makes sense....he is really my only friend with compatible music tastes, my only friend who likes books as much as i do and actually somewhat enjoys going to gay coffeeshops with me. not to mention the fact that he also hates the world like me....but most of all, he's a good listener....and i have a lot of shit to complain/vent/gossip/ramble on about, so that is nice. anyway, it is now 3:30 and i am going to finish getting my life in order tomorrow, so i better go to bed. goodnight mes amis. 3:13 am - 2002-09-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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