allmydreams's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- my body last year i would have pop tarts and this highly caloric juice pretty much every morning, and some terrible candy or something out of a vending machine mid-afternoon, then some cafeteria slop (well a turkey sandwich, but still) or more likely pizza/illegal pete's/denny's/something horribly bad for me at night....and i didn't gain any weight. i lost weight. and the only time i was doing it by, well, socially unacceptable ways, is right after i had pneumonia and had lost weight from that. but we all know how getting sick and losing weight fucks with me. then, this summer, i actually consumed a fairly healthy diet. i ate fat free yogurt for breakfast, carrots and a turkey sandwich or something along those lines for lunch, and whatever my mom made for dinner. AND i was outside playing with kids all day. but somehow, i managed to gain weight. and now, almost a month and a half after coming back, after a period of semi-anorexia and general obsession with calories, i have lost most of the weight. but it sucks, i just can't figure out what was going on with my body last year. of course even then i wasn't as thin as i wanted to be, but still. i dunno, honestly i am struggling really badly right now with my attitudes towards food/eating/body image/etc. it seems silly to worry this much about like 5 lbs, but admittantly, my body is one of only a few components that i base my self-esteem off of (along with school/grades, people being attracted to me, etc). i'm just fucked up. oh yeah, and i just had a dream that i had a kid. except i was older, like thirty. and the guy i was married to was some mystery guy i've never seen before. weird shit. 9:18 am - 2002-09-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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