allmydreams's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- huzzah tra la la: "velocity girl" by snow patrol, "the amazing sounds of orgy" by radiohead, "chocolate and strawberries" by the januaries, etc etc (this entry goes on for awhile, be warned) outside everything is dark and wet. i was going to go...somewhere...fido, at least, and read mcsweeney's....but when i looked out the window, all inspiration dissolved into nothing. so instead, i've been sitting in my room and taking pictures of myself making funny faces and then deleting most of them. i have officially joined the digital camera revolution. so yesterday was an important day for me. it was the first day of the new year, yes, but more importantly, one of the most pathetically depressing days of my life. i am, as matt correctly summed it up, "on hold"--killing time until i can go back to colorado and resume my fairly entertaining and normal (albeit somewhat alternative) lifestyle. i spent pretty much all of the day in bed, save a half hour or so when i showered and got dressed...if putting a new pair of pajamas on counts as getting dressed, that is. at the same time, being lazy to the point of non-activity gives one quite a bit of opportunity to think about things...and to eventually be pushed to a point of desperation to escape from one's depressing reality. i've had my fill of sleeping/dreaming and watching movies/television lately, so i was practically forced to pick up a book. and you see, that is how two important things were accomplished yesterday. i had stumbled through the first twenty or so pages of nick hornby's "how to be good" one day last week, but yesterday i finished the other 275ish pages. granted, it was a nick hornby book, but it was something, considering i can't even remember the last time i finished anything longer than a short story. the book itself got me down until the very end, when the main character essentially realizes that she can only stay sane in her dull life if she allows herself to focus on those few good moments...and to escape by reading books. so i guess it was apt, at least. i used to be such a bookworm. i don't know what happened, but somehow i set up my life so that i don't really have time to finish books...or i don't have the attention span anyway. it's funny, considering one of my main attractions to books used to be the fact that they tend to last longer than movies or television programs. i have a tendency to get quite wrapped up in fictional (though preferably somewhat realistic...i've never cared for fantasy) plots...which, incidentally, is one reason i don't like reality programs. i like to be able to stop myself in the midst of things and think to myself, "it's ok, this isn't really happening" (but that's another story altogether). (on a sidenote, i still remember the sadness i felt--in like, fourth grade--when dylan and brenda broke up on 90210. rem's "losing my religion" was playing in the background at the crucial moment, and i can remember feeling a pang of sadness whenever i heard it on the radio. i don't know what i would have done with myself if that had been a "real-life" scene from something like...that show i was watching the other day, "the batchelor.") so anyway, i read a book. essentially in one day. and that is a very good thing. secondly, i thought about what i would like to accomplish in the fairly near future. i decided not to make a proper new year's resolution (those, like the things i used to try to give up for lent, are always forgotten about within a few weeks...or days), but i do have several goals i would like to work towards this year, and next year, or however long it takes to work through them. so here they are, in sort of but not really an order: 1. learn to love or at least live with my body. wow that sounds pretty gay, but if i can do it, i'll be fucking proud of myself. on new year's eve, before i got ready to go out, i found myself kneeling in front of a toilet...i thought to myself, "this would be acceptable if it was five hours or so from now and i was smashed"...but obviously that was not why i was making myself throw up at 7:00 at night. i realized that it's not a place i want to be, and considering that i've spent a lot of time in my teenage years in that place, i have decided, in my twenties, it is time to move on. and yes, that paragraph was intentionally jumbly. that's a hard thing for me to admit. 2. try not to hate people, or at least show a bit more empathy towards others. i am (occasionally) a bitch, and i know it. currently, i am not speaking to either of my best friends and my most recent ex-boyfriend. that might be a bad thing. however, i might have to allow myself to dislike certain people (ahem dana). i was just too excited when i found out that she is pathetically making up lies about some guy that supposedly goes to my school and that not one of adam's friends like her (though kate's description of her poo-stained thong on the bathroom floor may have been a bit much). merr okay nix that, i just had to get it out...i will try to not hate her too. hmmm this might be harder than i thought. also, i will cut my fellow cu students some slack. 3. instead of stressing myself out all the time about keeping my room clean, i will simply try to make less of a mess. getting rid of all my excess clothing may help me next semester...i just need to remind myself that trying on five different outfits generally isn't necessary. and yes, this is a bigger deal than you think. 4. finally (and really, this list is just a start), figure out what makes me happy, and just do that. no matter what anyone else thinks. not even laura, or raf, or my parents. hopefully this year there will be lots of time for reading, learning, napping, kissing, music listening, movie watching, diary writing, friend making, brie eating, coffee drinking, and yes, even yoga-ing. it's going to be a good one, my friends, and i didn't even eat any black eyed peas yesterday. 5:00 pm - 2003-01-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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