allmydreams's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- everybody hurts sometimes "and nobody, nowhere understands anything about me" i feel like shit. but first let me run you through the past 32 hours or so... yesterday i came home like an hour early from work and just climbed into my bed and slept. around 5ish i called adam and he said his mom wouldn't let him drive because the roads were icy...and i didn't want to drive either. i didn't want to go anywhere. i was tired and sad and ugh. i just felt like it would be better for me to stay in. unfortunately when i get like this adam often thinks it is because i'm mad at him...or something like that. i tried to talk to him about what was bothering me...but i don't think he wanted to hear it. i dunno. it's not his fault. anyway, i went back to sleep...around 7 liz called...i felt bad for not going to the airport but i just wasn't up to it and i was kind of scared to drive in the bad weather. we talked for awhile but she was majorly jet lagged so then she went to sleep herself. after that i just kind of laid in bed thinking about everything. finally i mustered up some energy and got up...i cleaned my room up a bit...reorganized some things, emptied out a cabinet. i've been on a total cleaning buzz lately. i guess it just helps distract me. i framed my favorite picture of mikey and put it on the table by my bed. then i got online...talked to elise for awhile, that was cool. afterwards i talked to adam and he told me he was going out with joseph...he sounded kind of pissed still, but i really wasn't in the mood to deal with it. after that, i talked to rip on the phone until like 1:30 in the morning. i am so lucky to have a friend like him...i've taken him for granted so much, but there is no one else who listens to me like he does. not even liz. he made me feel a lot better. this morning i got up fairly early and my mom and i decided to go shopping. we went out to cool springs because my earlier efforts at the green hills mall had failed. this part of the day was definitely the best part because not only did i get to visit adam at work, i actually found some stuff (a really cute apron skirt and a lilac colored bra/underwear set thing) and the skirt i got was a size 6...nothing better than wearing a size smaller than usual. hah superficial me. tonight about ten of us gathered for this suprise birthday dinner for liz. i was happy she was actually suprised. i felt like kind of a jackass though, because i don't think i put enough effort into her present. i also kind of felt alienated from the majority of the people there, but whatever. i'm fairly used to that. afterwards me and liz and the forts met up with adam, joseph and jacob at jackson's. got some good chai...then we went to the melrose bowling alley. now here's where i'm going to get sad. when we walked in, i didn't remember it at first...but then i went to the bathroom and it all came back to me. sophomore year. the first night i ever met mikey. talking to kara in that bathroom and telling her that mikey was going to ask her out. i kind of had a mini-freak out and i needed to talk to someone when i came out, but liz was off socializing with more people from my school and mba that i don't know well. adam was playing some game with joseph. i mentioned it to jacob because he knew mikey and went to school with him last year...but i couldn't really talk to him about it. so i just kept it inside. i kept picturing me and him sitting there while everyone bowled. i didn't like him very much at first--he seemed quite pretentious and thought it was funny to make fun of me. but man what i would have given to go back to that night. when we got back in my car, "wish you were here" was playing and i almost started crying. but i didn't. i didn't even say anything. everyone was sad on thursday, the 18th...the sixth month anniversary...but it didn't really phase me then--well anymore than any other day, that is. it wasn't until yesterday that it got bad, because it was OVER sixth months...one day closer to a year. i don't know. i just feel like i have no one to talk to sometimes. another reason i felt like an ass is because i missed the silent friction show. i really wanted to go, but we didn't get out of dinner until after 9 and no one else really wanted to go. i especially felt like shit because i told my brother i would take him, and i could tell when i called him to tell him i couldn't that he was upset. i'll try to make it up to him. well i suppose this is getting long, but you get the general idea of what's going on with me right now. 12:20 am - 2001-01-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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