allmydreams's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- who sucked out the feeling yesterday afternoon i was happy because i was having a good day and expected i would write a happy entry. well screw that. after i last wrote, i had a TV-watching bonding experience with my little brother. i could tell he was still pissed at me at first...but after we watched a couple of episodes of "undressed" on MTV, things were fine again. nothing like quality entertainment to bring siblings together. but seriously, that show is hilarious...i must have watched 8 episodes...it was some kind of marathon to kick off the new season. anyway, i ended up watching it until 4 and then i dragged my ass to bed. i got kind of sad laying there, and ended up crying a bit, but it was ok. i've decided the reason i always have horrible dreams is because i scan over my day each night before i go to bed, cause myself stress about things i haven't done, or things i messed up and could have easily fixed...i dunno. but i finally driftef off to sleep for almost 3 lovely nightmare-free hours. unfortunately i had to get up at 7 to acolyte at my church. i could have easily gotten up at 7:30 (or probably even 7:45) and arrived on time...but alas, my parents do not have any faith in me. a really weird thing happened during the service--some odd woman stood up and laid down in the middle of the aisle...very strange...two men had to escort her out. then there was sunday school, which was pointless as usual and is the main reason i dislike going to church. sitting in a room with no more than four other kids who are almost always two yeats younger than me--and discussing topics that for the most part have no relevance in my life--just isn't fun. thank god my parents never jumped on jesus bandwagon, i guess. after that i went to princeton's with my fam and my grandparents as usual. it was nice was i was happy to go home and take a nap...i slept until 4:30, which made me quite happy. then, when i got up, i felt really gross. i had a bad headache and a weird fever or something...i took a shower and adam came over around 5:30--we watched american beauty. i hadn't seen it in awhile and i had forgotten how incredible it is. after the movie, i was not only feeling better, but i just had a general good feeling going on. i felt "passionate"...or something. i just wanted to be close to adam. i started getting all these bad thoughts about next year. i'm so worried...i mean it's pretty unlikely that we'll go to school together, which means it's pretty unlikely that we'll stay together..i guess. he made it pretty clear earlier in our relationship that he doesn't think the long-distance thing works. i guess i agree, i just don't want to lose him. he says he just wants to enjoy the time we still have together, but i can't get that thought out of my head...leaving...blah. then we turned on comedy central and "the man show" was on. ugh, though i don't really like that show, i do admit it's pretty funny. anyway, at one point this girl asked a question that i wondered the answer to myself. adam said something that basically made me feel like a slut for asking. it wasn't cool, and i got pissed. then i told him he should leave. after he left, the mad feelings toward him changed into mad feelings toward myself. i kept on asking myself, "what if he got in a car wreck? what he died and i never see him again?" and i felt so paranoid. i hate myself when i fight with him over stupid things, but especially when he leaves or we get off the phone without making up. if something ever happened to him after an incident like that, i don't know what i would do. i felt like all the energy had been sucked out of me so after that i climbed into bed and went to sleep. around 12 i got up and checked my e-mail...i was going to write in here but i was too lazy so i went back to bed. i had a bad dream where for some reason i was taking a tour of usn and someone was like, "i want you to meet someone" and he pushed this guy towards me...and the guy looked exactly like mikey. i was so confused for a second and then the guy was like "don't i look exactly like mikey?" and i started crying and then i woke up. today is my first day back at school. my mom woke me up 45 minutes late, which put me in a bad mood...but i got to school a couple minutes early anyway so i was ok. today has been the biggest joke ever. this is my third free period of the day...my french teacher is gone and i spent first period just talking because my chem teacher didn't want teach us anything. so basically i haven't had a real class all day. all i have left is english and then american history...blah blah blah. i want to go home. it's adam's birthday on wednesday...i need to get the rest of his present. i should go to the Y and exercise today. merrr...the bell will probably ring soon. au revoir mes amis. 12:06 pm - 2001-01-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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