allmydreams's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- get me away from here, i'm dying hmmm. lots to say in this one. an eventful weekend it was i guess, but more importantly i have a lot on my mind. friday was interesting. liz and i went out to dinner at bosco's and then we went over to the fort's party thing because we had nothing else to do. it was weird because everyone was fucked up in some way and i was sober...i started to drink some of liz's champagne but i don't like champagne so blah. liz also gave me a bunch of really cool stuff from london, including some charlie's angels undies that fit over maybe one of my ass cheeks. oh well :) then chris jamieson called me so we headed out to meet him and then we all went downtown and preceded to go "clubbing." now i am not exactly a typical "clubber," but my limited experience with it has actually been kind of fun. yay banana joe's haha. unfortunately i discovered that it is not very fun when you are sober and underage and everyone around you is drunk and skanky or weird and not even noticing you are there. first we got rejected from some probably more decent clubs, but finally got into club venice...which we left after about five minutes...and then we went to the underground which we left after about fifteen minutes. anyway, after that we headed over to george's and were promptly carded and then kicked out. seems like being 18 doesn't get you much anymore :( around 1:30 we arrived at cory's house just in time to catch the end of "centerstage", a movie that everyone i know is obsessed with. heh. i guess i'd have to watch the whole thing. sutton and shannon were also there which was weird because i barely know them at all. we went to sleep soon afterwards and then i had to get up early as hell and go to my guitar lesson. i am no guitar god. in fact, i suck quite a lot--but i must say i had a good time. i have known my guitar teacher for over three years now and he is definitely the only adult i can talk to on an honest level. anyway, we had a nice talk about music theory type stuff and life and the two intermixed. i spent the rest of the day with adam, which was awesome. it was supposed to be a "brentwood day" so we went shopping together at cool springs and ran into jacob at work...he had locked himself out of his car so we had to drive him home and back to the mall and jsahKAYRKqw...anyway after that i don't really remember what we did but later on we went back to nashville and went to the golden dragon buffet..the shoney's of chinese food if you will...because adam was craving all-you-can eat crab legs. this took forever, but afterwards we went BACK to brentwood...and then BACK to nashville and got an awesome scooby doo coloring book and the biggest box of crayons they make...shortly afterwards we went to brentwood AGAIN and met up with jacob and frank and then watched "kiss the girls" at adam's house. pretty good movie but i got really tired. it was weird seeing frank because i hadn't seen him since before adam and i started dating. they hung out all the time this summer so i would see him pretty regularly...but this time it was like i didn't even know him. not that we were ever really close, but this time i didn't even talk to him. anyway, in the end, i ended up using a freakin' half tank of gas! i don't really mind driving to quasi-brentwood/nashville/overton area where adam lives but its a damn pain in the ass to do it several times in a night AND go to cool springs and blah...heh, he better be driving me around next weekend. on sunday nothing spectacular happened except i went over to adam's house to watch the superbowl. yay ravens! mwhahaha...i bought a raven's penant on saturday which is now proudly hanging in my lovely room. yesterday i had loads of crap to do afterschool and then i came home and took a relaxing nap then kicked my ass in aeroboxing with leslie and ellen. homework, talked to adam, sleep. now on to more important things. i AM going to use names because anyone who reads this would either know who i'm talking about anyway or wouldn't know them by their names anyway. earlier today i read elise's entry discussing her anger at another entry that was written by leslie. i guess elise was mad at the way leslie portayed mikey in the last months of his life, and leslie was venting her emotions on the whole subject of mikey and her feelings about his death. in her entry, leslie mentioned that i am sad because i didn't know mikey when he died. this is mostly true for several reasons. i am sad that our friendship was decaying, yes. but i was sad about this before he died too. and like leslie, i often had feelings that mikey had changed during those months. when it was all happening i was angry. angry at him. angry at elise for taking him away from us--us being me and leslie. leslie had always been mikey's "true love" and i was always the friend he went to about her. from that branched a summer long fling that eventually died, but occasionally was brought up between us. blah blah. most people know that story anyway. but i had never liked elise. luckily we resolved things in the beginning of the summer and for that i will forever be grateful. i'm sad because at that point i could have possibly rekindled my friendship with mikey, but instead we lost him. i'm sad because yes i almost feel deprived of my grieving rights since i didn't "know him" in the end and i wasn't friends with his friends. i did know him for a long time though. he did call me his best friend several times. he did tell me i was the only one who really listened to him. those were the good days when we were really close. last fall i was probably closer to him than anyone else, or so he told me. i'm not that naive and i know that maybe i wasn't really his best friend and maybe he didn't really care much about me. but i do know that i used to know a lot about him, and it seemed to ME that he had changed...lowered his standards of happiness in a way...when our friendship began to die out. in the beginning of march mikey and i started to talk about stuff. blah i can't talk about in here but basically what it comes down to is we discussed some stuff that still fucks with me. we kissed. deep down inside i still had feelings for him, but i knew he didn't want to date me really and that just made it easier for me to get angry when he started dating elise. i don't know where i'm going with this. i still don't know elise well, but i read her diary every day and i know she is a really cool girl. i know she obviously cared about mikey very much and that makes me happy because there were many times in his life while i knew him that he felt like no one cared about him. there are questions about the last months of mikey's life that no one will ever be able to answer for me. from elise's account, he was very much himself and also in love. from others i hear rumors but he isn't here for me to question. i have my outside view of the situation, but as i said i didn't know him well anymore at the time, so who knows if what i saw was right or not. people change. people are constantly growing up and becoming more mature but in the center they keep that core that is really them--what is essential. i feel like that has happened to me recently. i hope that is what happened to mikey. i wish he was still here and i wish i hadn't taken him for granted. i wish elise wasn't angry over what leslie said. i wish leslie and i were still as close because i'm scared about what could happen. i don't want this to happen to me again. 12:16 pm - 2001-01-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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