allmydreams's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- only in dreams hey. blah. i hate being sick. i got an ear infection in one of my ears on monday and then in my other ear on tuesday. damn it's like the worse pain i've ever had. anyway, my mom had to give me codine so i could go to sleep and it was fun. heh. anyway, now the pain is gone but i'm like half deaf. it kind of sucks when both of your ears and your nose are all clogged up. however, i was suprised on tuesday morning when i went to the doctor and he actually prescribed me medicine. he has been like the most minamalist doctor ever since i turned twelve, which leads to me coming down with sicknesses that could have easily been treated. ahem...kind of like when i had mono so badly i had to go to the hospital but he swore i didn't have it and it got worse because of that. dumbass. whoah. i just made that sound like i'm in a really bad mood or something. i'm actually not. i just finished an assload of french homework, found out my english take home test isn't due until tomorrow, and got a free diet coke at lunch. we had a really good speaker at assembly today (not to mention the fact that she gave us free coke and silver coke bottle shaped bottle openers). she's in charge of all of coke's advertising for the 2002 olympics and she was talking about how her winterim experience here influenced her so much. how cool would it be if i ended up as some kickass journalist after interning at the scene? anyway, speaking of the scene, i'm also happy i got all of that writing done. i feel pretty lucky that he didn't really edit any of my stuff, but i don't think i would really care either way. getting paid for writing rules. i had a bunch to say the other day but now i don't remember it... but what i've been thinking about recently is that i think a new wave of mikey depression is hitting everyone...or something. i was almost alright about it for about a month, but on tuesday morning i woke up and then got to sleep another hour because i had a doctor's appointment...and i had this really vivid dream that i was with him at a modest mouse concert, and it was like starwood or something. and i knew he was dead, and i was nervous about mentioning anything about it to him. then i was talking to someone else there about it. it was weird, already knowing it wasn't real in the dream...but it had a reverse effect, because i didn't realize the dream was a dream until later on that day. that probably didn't make any sense, but then again i often don't make any sense. english class time. i'll be back this afternoon. so i'm back. anyway next topic...er, continuation of the same topic anyway... last night i talked to adam until about 10:00 and then i had to get off the phone because someone called my mom. out of nowhere, as i was laying in my bed, i felt this huge wave of depression come over me. i was staring at the picture of mikey on my bedside table and just started crying. it was so weird, i think it was triggered by the fact that rem's "automatic for the people" was playing which reminded me the day i bought that cd and then hung out with mikey later that night and also the fact that we used to listen to "nightswimming" a lot. so i started thinking of all these songs that reminded me of spending time with him..."please please please let me get what i want" by the smiths, "some" by built to spill, "devotion" and "only in dreams" by weezer, "so low" by self, "daisy" by ben lee, "the fragile" by nin, "here comes the sun" by the beatles", "with or without you" by U2, "hit me baby one more time" and "email my heart" by britney spears and more and more and more... i was thinking about what a big role his car played in our friendship. i don't think he ever even rode in my car--he always came and picked me up. we used to spend nights sitting in parking lots and being emo about life. we used to just drive around forever listening to music because we couldn't think of anything to do. and that whole weird getting on eachother phase. it's strange and ironic to think that he lost both his virginity and his life in that damn car. i think that maybe the fact that i have so many memories of him and his car contributes to my psycho habit of looking for mercury mystiques. i remember that same night i mentioned earlier, the day i bought "automatic for the people," he had gotten in a fender bender. i remember that night we went to comptons and bought applesauce and plastic spoons and spent the whole night sitting in the back of his car at love circle talking about how i didn't know what to do about justin. i remember one time i convinced him and james to come with liz and me to brad's party and liz and i drank wine coolers behind his car and a cop car drove right by us. i remember another time his car broke down at love circle and we had to knock on some guy's door to get him to come and help us. i remember the last time i rode in his car, last march, when we went to blockbuster and rented "say anything." i could go on and on...but there was a point to this.... after i emotionally drained myself for about half an hour, i started to fall asleep and adam called me back around 11:00. i didn't say anything really about the mikey thing but i was in kind of a bad mood and i got off the phone with him pretty abruptly. i felt bad immediately after i hung up, but it was just one of those unexpected things. i wanted to call him back but i was afraid it was too late. i don't know what's going on with me. i feel like i'm losing control again. it's really hard for me to focus on school and i haven't worked out since right before spring break. speaking of which, i figured out why i lost weight in the caymans...we were too damn cheap to buy any food, so almost every time we ate we had to go across the street to liz's mom's villa....anyway, being that it was spring break and i was lazy, i ended up not eating very much food. i forgot how centered around food my school is--it's like a constant thing all day (which is weird because it seems like we have so many people with eating disorders). anyway, i'm sad to say that i believe any weight loss i experienced has now been made up for. on the bright side, my burns are much less nasty looking and i have adopted a "low maintenance" no blow-drying my hair routine all week. i figured eventually my hair would revolt and all fall out due to all of the heat damage i bestow upon it, so i decided a change was in order. i was suprised to find out that now that my hair is kind of long, it actually dries pretty straight and by the end of the day looks exactly the same as it normally would. the only person who has even made a comment is E , but that was probably only because it was first period and my hair was still wet. rambling, rambling, rambling. yesterday liz and casey and i headed down to the costume closet to get costumes for the renaissance banquet and unfortunately i found that our stock is quite lacking that period of clothing. all i found was a fairytale cartoon-like version of a renaissance dress (it's blue, purple and hot pink and has polka dots on the sleeves). so now liz is sick and i don't really want to make ren food by myself and i have a guitar lesson this afternoon and it's my nieces' birthday tonight so it looks like i'm not gonna go anyway. what's wrong with me? this year i have become so dependant on liz and adam. it's really hard for me to do anything without at least one of them, which is weird because i used to be really independant even this summer. spending time with myself used to actually be one of my favorite activities...maybe because back then i spent more of my time with lots of people than i do now. ejfqoiw4etp9i4q3typ34q5q34tq3;4!!!!!!!!! that's what i'm feeling right now. and on that note, along with the fact that this is getting really long, i'm ending this now. bye. 12:19 pm and 2:44 pm - 2001-03-29 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