allmydreams's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- is it really so strange? oh thank god this day is coming to a close. i couldn't deal with school today--i just wanted to go home, back to sleep. i think i recontracted a sinus infection at guster on friday or something. anyway, it got a lot worse today but i couldn't get in touch with my parents so i just had to tough it out. i'm eighteen, damnit...why can't i decide when i need to go home? but i'm really becoming such a wimp. the only time i missed school last semester was the one time i have been REALLY sick all year. i mean, i couldn't even talk. but now, every day at school i feel like i'm just going through the motions until i can leave, or i wish for an excuse to go home. yet i really wish i was still being intellectually stimulated. i feel like my teachers don't care anymore. i mean, i'm barely doing any work but it's not doing me any harm. that's depressing. however, today all these things kept popping up that i forgot to do. luckily i managed to get them all done and everything worked out. yesterday. easter sunday. i felt bad about not going to church, but when i woke up at 7:00 am, there was a thunderstorm outside that was so horrendous i was seriously afraid our house was going to collapse before my eyes. afraid i would die in my second story bedroom or my den (with big windows and skylight), i retreated to our guest room downstairs and promptly went back to sleep. my dad woke me up a little before 8:00 and told me we were leaving in ten minutes. right. not only did that give me essentially no time to get ready, our power was out and i wouldn't have been able to dry my hair or iron any of my clothes. plus i was sick. so, in a fit of disgruntled, groggy anger, i announced that this easter sunday, i would not be attending church. normally, i wouldn't have gotten away with it, but my car was the only car not locked in our garage (which wouldn't open because of the power outage), so if they wanted my keys to get there, they had to obey. that's right! so later when i finally woke up at 11:00, i felt kind of bad...but such is life. my family all came over at noon and there was much food to be had. luckily the power came back just in time and things worked out fine and dandy. i would have even been ok sans power, because my very "spring-ish" emo shirt and my new jeans were in just the right state for me to wear. yay to that. but then it sucked when my older brother's girlfriend (among others) was trying to convince me that i really should join a sorority next year at boulder. i'm usually too shy around people older than me to say anything negative, so i just kind of nodded and smiled to everything everyone was saying to me. the highlight of the gathering was when my aforementioned older brother chris announced that yes, there really is a haywood jablowme (say that one out loud) in the phone book. thrilled (er, maybe that's the wrong word) at this notion, my dad called for my younger brother to bring in the phone book and see if my older brother's word held true. well folks, i'm happy (or something) to say it did. i spent the rest of the day hanging out with adam. we went to tower (i got the smith's "louder than bombs" and braid's "frame and canvas"--rock on) and then came back and watched "altered states" on my brother's new playstation II. whoah man, that movie was pretty cool. anyway, after that, i found myself in a bit of a predicament. somehow, by some strange force of nature, i ended up in adam's arms and we started kissing. i told him it wouldn't change anything. i don't know why i did it. yes i do. damnit, i'm sexually frustrated. and i enjoyed making out with him too. but the thing is, the reason why i liked it is because it was unexpected, and new, and not predictable. he felt like someone else. it's ironic, having that feeling with someone once so broken in to you. what i realized, though, is that what adam said awhile ago just might be true--that the best medicine for a breakup like ours is to start something new right away. i don't know if i could handle anything serious, or if i really even would want to move on to something new...but maybe it would be fun to go on a date with someone....i don't know. don't hold me to any of this, i'm just thinking. i guess i'll just see what comes my way. adam, don't hate me for that. i can already hear the word "hypocrite" coming out of your mouth. last night as i was falling asleep, i thought about memories of past easters. it's funny, i can't remember for the life of me what i did last year. but i do remember the year before, and the red dress i wore--and how my grandmother said it looked like a slip. i remember justin came over that afternoon and we ate a bunch of chocolate eggs. i remember easter freshman year, when my sister was home from san francisco. i remember being jealous of her because she looked so tall, and thin, and blond. i remember in eighth grade we were late to church, and i wore a dress that looked like something from miu miu. in seventh grade, i was painfully thin, painfully awkward. i remember that easter the most, because i have so many pictures of it. and sixth grade, which is probably the last year i remember in detail, i was a little kid for the last time. it's funny what things we choose to remember. the other day evan asked me what my favorite memory from high school is, and i don't think i've really come up with a definite answer. there is one day, however, that for whatever reason i remember with such clarity that it could have happened just this past weekend. i've even mentioned it before. it was some day in mid or late june, and i had to wake up early to go be an office bitch at my grandfather's company. my eyes were all puffy for some unexplained reason, and i remember i didn't have time to take a shower. it was just one of those mornings where you feel like complete shit, can't find anything to wear that doesn't make you look fat. you know. i ended up wearing this red shirt that i hate and black capri pants and i felt like crap all morning, as i tirelessly stuffed 1,000 ENVELOPES BY MYSELF! but, i got paid $20 an hour, and by the time i was done, i'd racked up $100. that ruled. so my grandfather took me to lunch at sunset grille, and i had this long conversation with this young, hot guy who worked for him about good restaurants in town. i remember how hot the seats of my grandfather's jaguar were that day. he was much less senile then, though it was less than two years ago. i went home and got on the internet to waste some time--a favorite summer activity of mine. raf asked me to go record shopping with him and i was pleasantly suprised, though he probably only asked me to because he couldn't find anyone else. i remember talking to liz king that day, about how their friendship had kind of gotten fucked up. i remember raf took like an hour to pick me up. i remember standing in front of my mirror and trying on about a thousand things before i settled on a striped tank top and a black skirt (i was still feeling obese and disgusting, you see). he had all this music equipment in his car. we went to the great escape and i bought "no alternative", "hand it over" by dinosaur jr, and "automatic for the people" by rem. he bought about a zillion cd's--graduation money to burn. i even remember a lot of them--the first garbage cd, the soundtrack to "romeo and juliet", the vanilla ice hardcore album...and then we went to mars and he played around on some guitars and i, as usual, was too shy to play anything, and he told me about a really expensive guitar sam got for graduation. we went outside and he had to page matt bell--i remember sitting on the curb while he used the payphone. and then we left, and we were listening to "talk show host" by radiohead, and he got some crap from mcdonald's. then came possibly the most awkward moment in my friendship with raf--i made a very indiscrete comment about my first real sexual experience to him and he kind of freaked out, because it just happened to occur on the first night i ever talked to him. and yet he was nice enough to wait for me while i took a shower and got ready to go out. hah. i used to take a really long time to get ready...so long he fell asleep...i finally felt not disgusting when i found my favorite black shirt and blue skirt and everything was all good even though raf said i didn't look any different. and we were finally off--off to wherever it is matt bell used to live, by the zoo, only to find when we got there that he couldn't hang out or something. on the way back, i wrote in this book raf had about how glad i was that we were friends and he laughed at me and i kind of felt presumptuous and embarrassed. then i kept having to take the wheel for him while he was doing shit...and once we were back on west end, raf had to do a tower drive-by to look for some radiohead import, and (about thirty freaking minutes later) ended up with that annoying fatboy slim album and another by kent. then it was off to the now-deceased 8th day, where i was meeting up with leslie boehms for the living proof/waste of space show. i was really late, but leslie never gets pissed about anything, so it was okay. raf stayed for a minute, but then he went to see lifeboy at the sutler. i saw a bunch of random people that used to be at shows--matt obermeier, kevin burr, that girl named alaska. and mikey. after he was done playing, we sat outside and talked. he was in a bad mood because he had fucked up his car a bit that day and because of his other everpresent problem that year--leslie king. i remember he threw his teletubbie keychain into the street as a symbol of his frustration with her. hah. and then we left, and got apple sauce and plastic spoons at comptons, and went to love circle. we spend most of the time in the backseat of his car, but really just talking (about leslie and justin...what else?), and being hot because his car would die if you left the AC on too long, and listening to this cheesy mixtape i'd made and left in his car a couple nights before. leslie boehms kept calling me because i told her i wouldn't be gone long...but we didn't get back until the show was over. mikey took us home, and we got on aol. james made some comment to me like, "who was that fat chick with you tonight?" and she was sitting right there next to me...yeah...that was kinda awkward. so on to bed we went, and the day was over, and for once in my teenage life, i felt completely satisfied with things just the way they were. i don't know why i remember that day so vividly, but when i think back on high school memories, that day always pops out. life is so weird sometimes. i wonder if anyone is still reading this. but now i've got to propel myself back into the real world, do some errands and get some exercise. things are going to be alright. 3:32 pm - 2001-04-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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