allmydreams's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- you're so vain note:diaryland wasn't working last night...i actually wrote this at about 10:45 pm on 04-18. i just got home from the annual "father/daughter dance" hosted by my school, on the general jackson. mmm nothing like some mass-produced chicken cordon bleu and dancing with my dad! yeah! actually, it's alright...one of those things you dread every year, but always end up enjoying by the end of the night. my dad always makes me go, because ever since i've been at harpeth hall it's been held around his birthday. he always says, "it's all i want for my birthday!" hah. i've been good about updating lately. too bad my life isn't very exciting. my most recent traumas: -picked up my prom dress from the alterations place on monday, only to find that it's still too long for me. what the hell??? so, i marched right back there on tuesday and said, "bitch, fix my dress!" well, not really...but something like that. so i don't get it back until late friday afternoon...great. -did not so well on the chem test i got back the other day. however, the fact that most people seemed to do even worse than me made me feel a tad better. plus, since everyone did horrible, she's letting us get some points back for correcting it. too bad i'm too lazy to do that right now...so it's early to rise for me tomorrow. -haven't worked out all week, due to horrendous cough. getting better. may do aeroboxing tomorrow if i have time...good news: prom dress still fits -found out i won't be here for the opening of the AP art show because i'll be visiting boulder. -overcommited myself: told mrs vest i'd babysit on the 29th, later realized i have AP english exam review. damn school! damn AP exams! -broke two hearts this week...on the same day. rip confessed that he's been lying to me for the past nine months (i knew this was coming)...still likes me...interfering with his college decision...i basically told him it wasn't gonna happen. i feel really bad about that one. he's liked me for three freakin' years. the real kind of like (as opposed to the "likes me for my boobs" kind of like), as in he probably wouldn't care if i was obese or shaved my head. he liked me even when i was a horrible bitch and talked about him behind his back, and always listened to my boy problems with an open mind. that's dedication. but he's just my friend...and i really can't see that changing. -heartbreak number two: the adam and catherine drama continues. apparently some people just can't take things lightly. and honestly, due to the way he reacted to a comment i made in my last entry, i really can't bring myself to feel very sorry for him. not only is he completely twisting my words to make me sound like i want to cultivate a habit of having one-night stands for the rest of my time here (which is COMPLETELY false), but he seems to be taking on this whole passive-aggressive version of the "eye for an eye" approach by writing in his diary that he's talking to some random chick named angela about possibly dating, or something. all this, mind you, at the same time that he is telling me that he was the only one of us with true feelings, and that i broke his heart. i cared for him when we were dating. i still love him now, though maybe in a different way than i used to...but i would still be here for him if he ever needed me. why can't he understand that i don't want these circumstances--that they just happened. we get older. we will go to college...soon. it's sad that we met so late in high school, but if fate brought us together then fate will bring us back together when it's right for BOTH of us...."both" obviously being the key word. but on to better news...luckily some good things have happened, too...notably these: -tried on my graduation dress on tuesday and it's gonna be ready on friday...that's exciting. i'm so obsessed with it! -found out today that i won't be the only one with tan stripes on my arms at prom! alexandra has them too! actually, i shouldn't complain...they aren't so bad anymore. -my dad says i don't have a curfew for prom, no negotiating or anything this year. rock on man! being eighteen rules! i think i've decided i'm going to corrinne's. -i'm almost done with my painting that i used to hate. i kind of got inspired today, and that ruled. too bad it's taken me so long to do that i probably won't have anything newer than that done by my show. however, i realized i have way more stuff to put in there and i think it will all go together well. rosie is matting some stuff for me, which relieves a lot of stress for me. i think next week i'm gonna go back through all my oil paintings and touch up a couple things that have been bothering me when i look at them recently. might coat them with some varnish to make the paint look all nice and shiny. hmmm. -mr croker really liked my book review on "high fidelity", which was done out of divine inspiration as well. i love it when things i'm stressed about come together so nicely. -someone wrote to the scene and liked our section yeah! -no school on friday! (which is good, because i'm still lacking shoes for prom) ahhh can't think of anything else to say about that. but you know what's been bothering me? i'm AVERAGE damnit! plain, boring, predictable, normal. i've taken almost all of high school to "find myself" and now that i've scraped away all the bullshit, found the "core" of what is really catherine, i realized that i'm boring as hell. why has any guy bothered to spend a significant amount of time liking me? i told rip all this and he said i'm the most complex person he knows. i'm not really complex at all. he just knows me better than he knows anyone else. how many black shirt, gap jeans, new balance running shoes sporting girls are there in this world? how many people have the same flipped-out, shoulder-length haircut as me? how many people who like indie music are into art and creative writing? hundreds, thousands, millions. why did i ever think i was original? just because the mold i fit doesn't have a specific name doesn't mean there aren't a zillion people just like me. and i don't like it! i'm stuck in an identity rut i believe. i also realized that i've essentially neglected my left brain for almost the entirity of high school. what happened? i was so good at math until freshman year...geometry and biology got me down, and i gave up forever. why'd i have so much trouble? hmmm, let's see...i never put in any effort at all. i focused any effort i put forth into writing, because it came naturally, and french, because at that point i was still really ahead of almost everyone else...basically the two things that never really required effort at all. but it's not like i'm naturally bad at math or science, i just convinced myself i was, and therefore didn't try. so, inspired by my awesome ability in chemistry, i've decided to regenerate that side of my brain in college so i can be a well-rounded person. hah. and not that i was ever really bad at it , but i'm thinking about minoring in some kind of history (despite the fact that art history made me want to die last year...i love all other types of history), because people who know history well are always smart. i want to be an intellectual damnit! merrr. that's enough for tonight...it's already past my bedtime. 10:45 a.m. - 2001-04-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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