allmydreams's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i wanna hold your hand music: broadcast's "the noise made by people" it's time for a real entry, where i actually write about things besides the activities of my day. i'm confused as fuck right now. i shouldn't think about it, but well...i am thinking about it. raf says i need to talk to jose about our "status." god, fuck status. jose calls me his girlfriend, i call him my boyfriend...sometimes. i just don't feel like we've made that strict commitment that turns a couple into, well, a "couple." you know what i mean. i'm just so scared of commitment. i haven't had a real boyfriend in a year. and the last real boyfriend i had was a lot different from jose. raf pointed out that this thing between jose and me has been going on for almost two months...that's scary. by the time adam and i had hit the two month mark, i had fallen hard. i definitely called him my boyfriend. there was no ambiguity to our relationship. i felt as comfortable with him as i felt with myself. i don't feel like that with jose. we kind of went with the flow, just started hanging out more and more...and eventually i started sleeping over more and more. you get the picture. but i don't always feel like i can tell him anything or everything, and i don't really know my limits with him. i don't know how much he likes me and i'm not even sure as to how much i like him. of course i like him....but i don't know if i like him enough to want to say he's the only one i'm going to like. i have crushes, i flirt with people. i like the freedom....which is not to say that i don't also like the stability of a relationship, but i don't even have that with him because i don't know exactly how our relationship is defined. the answer to my problems sounds simple...i need to talk to him about all of this. but it's not that simple. i don't want to make things weird, i don't want to ruin things....i just want them to keep going like they are. i don't even know if i'm going to be here this summer, and if i do go back to nashville, i don't forsee myself attempting a long distance relationship. let me just add one thing though...i like jose a lot. as in, i always have fun hanging out with him. i like that every time we do something together, i practically feel like we're on a first date. i'm nervous around him. i don't know what's going to happen next. it's fresh. and i like holding hands with him. oh, college girl angst. my problems are so fucking trivial, but i have nothing else to bitch about...so just let me be. "you said you wrote a page about me in your diary" ~broadcast 5:01 pm - 2002-04-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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