allmydreams's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- velocity girl i was so sad around this time last year. it was so lame--i felt sorry for myself because i didn't have a boyfriend on valentine's day. funny thing is, i'm way more depressed this year. at the beginning of the week, my fears about everything terrorist-related began to rise. i'm pretty much known for freaking out about stuff like that...at least lately...but the fact that other people are freaking out now too just makes it worse. and maybe it's stupid...i mean, as matt says, we do live in the middle of nowhere. but we're also close to denver, which is big enough. it's pathetic that i really only care about myself, and the people i know. fucking north korea or saddam or bin laden can blow up the whole world except everyone i've ever had more than a five minute conversation with, and that will be ok. but obviously, it would never happen like that. and unfortunately, i know way too many people in nyc. death is such a fucking scary thing. on tuesday, when i found out about mary, i really thought i was going to go crazy. i was seriously choking. i felt...guilt. mary was one of those people that you're jealous of. she was beautiful and cool and fucking smart and talented. she was one of those people that everyone loved...that a hell of a lot of my guy friends had crushes on. last summer in particular, bill told me he was interested in her and i gave him shit. i said she was weird and slutty...i just totally pulled it out of my ass. i was jealous. i remember talking to her one day when leslie called me from the rage, where they were interning....i told her bill liked her, at least. i'm such a fucking bitch. but i don't know how to feel about all that. just when i got used to people i know dying in cars, someone takes it into her own hands. it just doesn't seem fair that something was making someone like her feel that bad. i'm rambling. i'm sad. i just wish it didn't happen. i have a bad feeling about this weekend. i hope i'm wrong. 5:41 pm - 2003-02-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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